心向快乐第一季

Feel Good is a low budget 6-episode TV show which mysteriously skipped my attention when it was first brought up by a friend: probably because it features no big star (Lisa is one, but in a small role), and British TV shows like Fleabag and Killing Eve have raised the bar very high now.

However, one night, I started to watch the first episode and was very impressed. The not so sub plot of addiction is so well-written. I really like it when Mae (its main character shares the same name with the writer and lead actor, which is a bit confusing) expands the definition of ‘addiction’: ‘it’s all the same feelings, craving, and withdrawl, and relief, and obsession. We are just swapping one addiction for another’. By doing that, Mae Martin (I will use the full name when referring to the creator) connects the love story and Mae’s struggle to stay clean together. Mae Martin challenges the audience to view addiction as not only a struggle among a group of people, but something many of us face when being in a toxic relationship with partners, or, say, social media. By then, I am convinced Feel Good is quite good because the creators know ‘nuances’. Its focus on addiction also reminds me of Killing Eve S2, the key word for its 2nd season is ‘obsession’. While both handle compulsive/toxic feelings between people/people and object, Killing Eve’s take on obsession is disappointing, Feel Good, on the other hand, only gets better episode by episode.

Story aside, I am mesmerized by how the show introduces the love story to the audience. It is fast-paced. As Guardian remarks, ‘Feel Good moves so quickly and lightly that it seems impossible it could also be managing to construct characters and burrow into psyches as deeply and empathically as it does.’ You never need to fast-forward; it’s densely-packed but you won’t feel stressful; the plots mingle effortlessly. It takes 30 seconds for Mae and George to fall in love with each other. I love how unconventional and unapologetic it is. I love how an LGBTQIA (bless Joyce) story focus on how the two lovers enjoy their relationship (at least for the most part) without giving too much attention to how they are unsure if the other is into them, or suffering from loneliness because they can’t find a partner. Of course the loneliness issue exists and there is suffering, but there are many representations of those already. Feel Good shows how the relationship can be the start, rather than the ending, of a story.

I also like how the struggles of Mae and George are more about themselves making choices than them being in disagreement with a suffocating society. It is refreshing to see not only Mae’s parents, but George’s mother, support their sexuality. Mae’s gig pals don’t make a fuss about her having a girlfriend. The roommate Phil is an angel. The lead of the support group is a gay man; Lava is loved by her mother regardless of her sexuality. While Binky’s husband and his friends are ‘piece of shit’, I don’t see them as homophobic (I could be wrong though). The show demonstrates that everyone can and should be nice to LGBT+ community. I like how Feel Good doesn’t use societal approval as a trope; instead, it allows us to see Mae and George as individuals who make their own decisions. Yes, sexuality is and will be important in their lives, but they don’t let it to devour them, they can still breathe.

The relationship is beautifully written and wonderfully performed. I mean THE CHEMISTRY!! Yes there is sex. As Mae Martin said, she didn’t want the lesbian sex to be voyeuristic. I congratulate her in doing a fantastic job!! Feel Good has amazing sex scenes: they are romantic, witty, hilarious, and honest. The director and writers make sure the sex scenes are not about sex/lust only, they are also about female pleasure. Mae and George communicate and share their sexual preferences; they don’t force their fetish on the other, instead, they ask politely. The show doesn’t mystify lesbian sex: even lesbians can’t cum and that’s ok! Feel Good has achieved what Sex Education has done: it has educated people (older than high schoolers) how to have sex, and more importantly, how to discern when the relationship is going south.

There are nudity scenes and they are (quite literally) serving the plot: it is when Mae feels most vulnerable physically. The paradox of the physicality and the personality is, however, not restricted to gay people. Mae is struggling because she believes however hard she tries, she can never have George in the long haul because George is ‘culturally straight’. George, however, insists this idea is just in Mae’s head. (Or is it?) It becomes apparent that the couple is not on the same page on many things. Mae is shy but she wants public validation of their relationship: she wants to be blessed by George’s family and friends. George is popular (win the lottery) but she is ultra private when it comes to Mae. She points out her friends just want to crack a joke and emotions (mind, not sexuality), for them, is gross. Eventually, George will have to face her own real emotions. There is a moment where Mae questions why George never like/retweet her social media stuffs. As Fleabag says ‘Hair is everything’, the (non)usage of social media, I argue, is (almost) everything. This again shows the discrepancy between the couple – which, of course, is normal; in every relationship/friendship, such disagreements happen and that’s what makes this show so relatable.

It is interesting to note that the dynamic between the two flows all the time. I find myself on the side of Mae and then I am on George’s side! For example, the first episode shows Mae concealing her addiction history from George, which is a bit dishonest; but George also makes Mae think she’s already mentioned her to her friends while actually she’s dating some Crenshaw dude. I find it especially interesting that while George is portrayed as a cold person (she leaves Mae alone in a party; she’s rather cold towards Phil etc etc), Mae can also be quite aloof – check what she does to Lava. When she says let’s not share this with Maggie, it is as if George were saying let’s not tell my friends now.

Talking about George and her friends, I really like how the show does about their friendship. It shows that those friendships, even though ‘long haul’, are not necessarily genuine. Indeed, things can be tricky, if not scary, when friends finally choose to be honest with each other, right?

Binky’s husband and friends are hilarious characters, but the show makes sure not all the male characters are caricatured. I like Phil a lot; he’s giving me the neighbor who ended up marrying Hannah’s boyfriend’s sister in Girls, especially when he’s mentioning all the baby stuffs. Mae’s dad is a charming character; but I am not sure if he’s a good dad. His ‘Oh I need to check the garden’ is a specimen of dad type, who leaves all the dirty job of communicating with kids to mums. The show also inserts in a MeToo story plot where things turn sour quickly. In all, the portrayals of male characters are multifaceted. Well done.

Last but not the least: small roles. Does the show even have small roles? Because everyone shines. Even the shop assistant of that sex shop: the scene is so funny and captivating. Lisa Kudrow is funny but in a cold way – which is really nice. I am not crazy about her first appearance in the laptop; seeing her appear in Blackpool is a real surprise for me (and Mae). I love the scene in Ghost Train the most. Arguing in a horror house/moving train, with all the noise and terrifying man-makes while discussing ‘real emotions’, which is the most terrifying of all – what a genius idea!! The fact that the show keeps vague about why Mae is cast out of the family is an interesting one; I quite like how her mother points out her privilege and that she has everything she wants when she grows up. Again, the show is looking at the mysterious and intricate human mind that is not so easily explainable. Apart from that, I don’t think there are a lot of TV shows that discuss ‘privilege’. Kudos to the writers for highlighting this aspect.

The photography is really pretty. It, like TEOTFW, has a consistent tone, which is even reflected when Mae and George are in bed. Note the beautiful blue shadow. The music is nice. The costume looks comfy and lovely (never let the costume steal the show– I’m talking to you, Killing Eve). My favorite, as I said earlier is the pace of narration. Mae has run a lot and it is a signature of Feel Good, like Fleabag’s looking at the camera.

Feel Good is about a female stand-up comedian. In the States, there is The Marvelous Mrs Maisel. Both Mae and Midge suffer from a backfire from they using real-life stories with their partner (judging from S1 finale, haven’t watched S2 yet). It is interesting to think how personal the stand-up mateials can be, but having just watched Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette, I am reminding myself that in order to make things funny, the ‘truth’ can be compromised. While Nanette is almost metafictional when Hannah approaches/disconstructs what makes comedy, I don’t think that is the angle Feel Good is heading towards. However, it is still fit to think about the show amongst the powerful works by Mae Martin’s fellow female comedians. The freshness of the show also reminds me of Girls (with its minute depictions of modern female life) and Fleabag (with its candidacy about real emotions). Feel Good deserves more recognition and PLEASE CAN WE HAVE SEASON 2 THANK YOU NETFLIX!!

First of all, it brings some feelings back to me when I am feeling nothing. I appreciate that. Always think a relationship is like “I got issues and you got’em too.” And we live with them together as a partners. Mae and George have their issues. They tried to cover or deal with them in the series. Maybe there’ll be no ultimate solution. It’s just a process in daily life.

As for Mae, who is always go with the feelings and chase the feelings, which is to find the approach to FEEL GOOD. George is more tend to be traditional and hard to open up utterly. They are vivid characters and I can relate from some plots.

It’s a huge world. There are various people and perspectives. Sometimes I just watch it and think: it’s ok to say that??? Just embrace the diversity and try to be more open minded.

Talk to people who care about you or just try to be these people.

It’s ok to be passionate or just want to save everything for oneself. Accept everyone’s tendency.

George said: “I just can be an island. That’s how I operate.” 🖐🏾 It could happen. I’m more relaxed now. Thank you guys:)

最近的下饭剧从压抑的纪录片换成了《feel good》（不要被《心向快乐》这个傻白甜译名骗了），

大概25分钟一集的时长正好吃个饭能看完。

看第一集尤为畅快欢乐，

女主叫Mae，是个T，在酒吧说单口喜剧（脱口秀）。

女二George坐在台下get到了她的每一个笑点，然后主动在表演结束后去找了Mae。

喝酒的时候两个人还玩起了常见的喝酒游戏：

一方提问另一方回答，撒谎或者回答慢了就要喝酒，喝完提问角色互换。（我跟朋友玩的时候规则是这样的剧集里应该也差不多）

Mae开始提问，

-“你几岁？”

-“when did you lose your virginity?”

-“你最喜欢的电影是什么？”

然后轮到了George，

-“你来英国多久了？”

-“披头士里你最喜欢谁？”

-“Are we on a date?”

——我们在约会吗？

气氛开始诡异起来。

Mae开始结巴，

幸好她朋友走过来说了一番话，临走前说，

“enjoy your date.”

Mae顺着话说，“他说我们算在约会那就应该是吧。”

George说，“我以前从来没有和女孩子约过会。”

Mae问，“那你和女孩子接吻过吗？”

George说，“当然。”

气氛彻底变得暧昧，以尴尬的形式表现出来，

两个人都低头喝了一口酒。

在Mae抬头继续提问“你喜欢电影吗？”的时候

George的一句“你想吻我吗？”打断了掩饰两人心绪的游戏。

然后她们接吻了，Mae大脑中的盲音响起，

背景里酒吧的条状霓虹灯宛如电压不稳忽暗忽明。

看的时候我心里的想法是

这不是典型的crush吗？完全可以投稿到“我今天遇到了一个crush”小组的程度。

然而这只是第一集，

甚至在第一集还没结束的时候问题就展露出了残酷的冰山一角。

接下来陆陆续续涉及到LGBT/addict/原生家庭各种细碎不足为外人道的烦扰：

George作为侄女不想向朋友公开她和Mae的关系，

Mae做为addict（自称已经戒了）却偷偷藏了止痛药，

还有Mae十多年被赶出家门和表面看上去和谐无比的原生家庭倒刺般扎在心里的问题。

大家都爱看crush，热烈甜美如烈火烹油，

初遇时候对方展露出来的闪闪发光之处令人着迷，

而关系变成恋爱之后总有各种各样的烦恼，

更不要说组成家庭、养育子女等后续缠缠绵绵无绝期的鸡毛蒜皮了。

剧集也不会只有第一集前半部分光鲜漂亮的热恋环节，

毕竟是改编Mae的现实经历拍出来的，

重点完全放到了烦恼和解决烦恼上。

正如《亲爱的小孩》被批恐婚恐育，

而最令人恐惧的地方是这就是真实故事改编的，

这就是所有被社会教导毫不知情地轻易踏上婚姻这一条暗藏荆棘之路的女生被一带而过的那部分。

虽然每个人都在经历自己现实的烦扰，

喜欢看crush这种拥有完美甜味的故事也情有可原，

但正因为如此，这些聚焦现实的剧集才值得一看。

毕竟我们说到底还活在现实里，

我想或多或少心思细腻的人都会对此产生一丝共鸣。

Also published on my blog.

Photo: © Channel 4

The series reminded me of my very personal experiences. I somehow feel to be the combination of both Mae and George. How? Mae is much needed. And George is surrounded by those mean "friends".

I left my hometown about 4 years ago. In a new city, with everything new, I tried to stay connected to my old life - those friends, those habits, basically everything I can. But things can not always be that ideal. Trying to hold on to every person around me made me really hard. I had to tolerate their bad habits, their judgement, and even sometimes discrimination. Until today, I am still doing those things, trying to please others. I know that's not a great way to let others know me. I keep on putting others feel good as the first principle to communicate with others. That's bad, not only for me but for them.

Maybe someday, or starting today, I should stand up and defend myself, and my values. It's not necessarily intensive as what George does in the show. I can explore a new way, my way.

As for the part like Mae, there's too much to say. The writing is superb for effectively showing how Mae is dependent on George. I am insecure in almost all my relationships, while most of them suck. I have taken considerable time in figuring out the relationship. Do those guys fancy me, or do they merely treat me like a sex toy, a method to kill time? I always need some confirmation, and I mean it it's always. I am afraid the status is not synchronised with the other. I may make some move far beyond. I may take the other my whole world. I may, just like Mae, get addicted to the other. Is that good? After the show, I am still confused. Those questions always pop up in my mind. Will he still pay attention to me after he has completely got me? Will he still enjoy my terrible jokes? Am I still making him comfortable? Will I get abandoned one day? I get addicted because of my lack of confidence, our difference and my bad memories, maybe.

In the series, Mae relapses. Will I relapse just like her over and over? Let's see.

我是T。我想被女孩推倒。我曾对亲密关系关系成瘾。我沉迷于女孩们的暗面。

注视着Mae Martin的时候，我感到被看见。

我的初恋来自离异家庭。我15岁的crush有抑郁症。我的前任同时有躁郁症和人格分裂症。我从未刻意因一个人的过去而选择她们，但somehow，they turned out that way.也许因为那种人格的张力不必隐藏也会隐约浮现吧。也许是因为我天生喜欢戏剧性，喜欢刺激。

And all didn’t end well.

情绪是会传染的。在高二的时候我曾经那么厌恶自己。一边大哭一边猛抽着雾化咖啡因的时候，在大雨里奔跑的时候，觉得自己空虚，孤独，一无是处。虽然我没有真的产生substance addiction，但那段为了控制睡眠而交替大剂量服用褪黑素和咖啡因的日子，现在想起来还觉得后怕。

...还有对亲密关系的焦虑。只要觉得无聊就会想找对方。只要对方不回就会觉得生命被抽干，觉得自己是一无是处的垃圾。会不安，会百爪挠心。

我在初三毕业的暑假打电话给我的心理老师，告诉她我爱上了一个抑郁症的女孩，我想帮她，我想和她做爱。老师要我保证我们会在“能闻得到阳光的地方”发生关系，然后告诉我，我救不了任何人，我做不了任何人的英雄。

如果受不了，我必须走。我必须先爱自己。

《心向快乐》回应了非常非常多有关LGBT社群生活的亚主题：挣扎的自我认同、痛苦的过去、“出柜”对伴侣关系造成的张力，甚至当George眉飞色舞地描述自己对某位理想型男性的痴迷时，Mae的感受对我来说都熟悉得令人痛苦。

但最关键的是，Mae同时存在于剧内剧外。她同时也是自己的故事有意识的讲述者。她完全接受了自己的过去，并且知道分享它能为他人带来怎样的理解和慰藉。这非常了不起。

我感到被看见，被回应。我感到并不孤独，而这点给了我信心。

所以....谢谢这部剧的存在。谢谢Mae和我们讲述她的故事。

Yes, I titled my review by using Jeanette Winterson’s biography for reference. It is true if you look it up in Douban, a Chinese version IMDB/Facebook, Feel Good will in the recommendation list as the searching result. In this website, people retitle this show as ‘Drunk in London’. It is accurate to use Drunk to describe the main character Mae Martin’s life predicament. She wants to get on the right path but couldn't help making a mess, she tries to be normal but cannot get rid of the psychological hint that ‘You need to accept you have a problem’, she wants to build up a stable intimate relationship but loses control due to emotional insecurity. But I still prefer the original title ‘Feel good’. It is hard to be normal in this high-demand world, feeling good is enough.

The encounter

After watching the series in one sitting, I can safely say Mae Martin is the second gay girl character I feel myself fall in love with after Anne Lister in Gentleman Jack. (Sorry, Suranne!) She is a special friend being with me in this strange self-isolation period. Can I call it love in the time of cholera? I couldn’t help replaying the scene Mae and George encountering and kissing in the pub. How romantic it is when you find someone in the crowd only laughing at your stuff, getting your point while you’re being ignored by others. England’s rose and the Canadian corn are like a blazing fire and dry wood. It is not all about how a tomboy chase a straight girl and how a straight girl seduce an unconfident lesbian. This is a vibrant start that I bet each girl is longing for. You might have a relatable journey that you are falling for a person who is not of the same clan but you think the fate drops from the clouds and the refreshing relationship will be working between you two. After oversharing with a stranger, you believe you have a bond and that’s hard to find in life.

Things usually happen like that, but most beautiful encounters will not end in well. Five minutes past, Mae and George are standing inside and outside the curtain, which implies George is stepping into her life and will be a part of her story. In fact, it does. This is the most subtle camera structure in EP1. It reminds me of how I met my exes, how we consume each other and how I lost them in the end. I suddenly realise I see my own reflection in Mae’s pupils when she says ‘I am not intense’.

Between normal and abnormal

It is rather to say Feel Good is a dark story than rom-com. At least, let’s say it is a heart-breaking life story dress like a love story. Mae Martin's tribulations she experienced in her career, family, and relationships are the main topics of the show. Before that, I’ve had enough of messy ‘permutation and combination’ style relationships in The L Word. Hetero audience hunt for novelty in LGBT TV drama but ignore character’s daily concerns as ordinary persons. They also have issues of how to repair the parent-child relationship, how to express who they really are in front of their friend who is always in the dominant position. Feel good has a unique texture with life-like characters. Each character in this show is so real. Their witty dialogues tickle my fancy all the time.

I can feel the director and the writer manage to keep up a high level of real emotions throughout the show and they capture characters’ dazzling personalities with a brisk pace. In this story, Mae and George are both like premature babies in the incubates, waiting for growth to be big, confident flowers. The director did not portray them as aliens but show strong empathy to care their own inner development. We witness their journeys in pain and sober.

My inner journey of watching "Feel Good" is like a roller-coaster.

E1: Oh!!! Mae and George are just adorable!

E2: Well...I changed my mind. I'd better stand for Mae and Lava?

E3: It is a bloody embodiment of "Please never date a straight girl unless you want to date for floods of tears."

Mae is an authentic, awkward, blunt, needy, sensitive girl with forlorn hope on George’s love. In her whole life, she has felt she is not in the right place. There is ‘other place’ she supposes to be. She thinks people are just swapping one addiction for another, while George is her another addiction. My favourite scene is in the EP3. Mae feels humiliated and a bit angry when being told to enjoy the party. Her confession broke my heart for real.

‘You grew up rich and white and straight and hot, you won the lottery. Of course, you want to dance. You're surrounded by people that want to fuck you. Of course, I don't want to dance in front of people that would have bullied me in high school. And you are too ashamed to touch me. If you want me to feel confident then hold my hand.’

It is not a gay thing. Any underrepresented people could relate to it. There used to be a moment you thought someone in the crowd could see you, but now you found this person knew nothing about your feelings. You notice the intangible huge gap between you. That really hurts.

As the representative of straight girl, Binky holds the opinion that ‘birds of a feather flock together’ by bring Mae and her lesbian cousin together. It is like saying ‘Hey gay girl should stay in your small bubble. That is the norm.’ You all know the hilarious result. Two girls hi each other and ‘see you’ soon. I laughed at this stuff not because there is less possibility for two Tomboys to fall in love with each other (on the contrary, they may slag off each other), but shocked by people’ ignorance that they think a lesbian will definitely like another lesbian since your are of the same kind. Come on. We are all human beings having clear love and hate. The gentle satire to some self-righteous people is one of the highlighted moments in this show. Sorry, your norm is ridiculous.

People distorts the definitions of ‘normal’ and fasten it to the minority. I became to realise the reason why the writer did not let Mae choose Lava, another lesbian girl who’s crush on her, even though a lot of my friends stand for them. ‘If you were my girlfriend, I’d make you come in under a minute.’ is the coolest line in this show. Lava is cold but affectionate in her own way. The writer probably wants to break the stereotype that it is easier to love your own kind. I think Mae must bottle a hidden line up: Hey, I cannot love you just because you are lesbian too.

Reframe your self

After watching it a second time, I changed my impression of George. I shouldn’t have been so mean to her when I watched the first time last week. This time, I see her struggling in her new identity. She hurries so much to put lesbian label on herself by saying ‘I have a girlfriend’ to the wedding photographer and ‘I belong to here. I finger my girlfriend a lot’ to the bartender, in order to cover up her inner uncertainty. ‘Your sobriety. Your gender identity. Is there anything isn’t my responsibility?’ She is facing the greatest pressure in her life. Being with Mae is like pulling up seedlings in her mind to help herself grow, in friendship, and in the workplace. But actually, the key point is not about learning how to be a lesbian. Instead, she needs to learn how to express a real herself, uncover her real feelings to the people surrounded, just like Binky says ‘If you are bothered, just tell us.’

There is another storyline of Mae’s narcotics anonymous meeting. This kind of support group is quite common to see in British/American dramas, like Killing Eve and Flack. As a student with a coaching background, I feel negatively surprised to see team members sitting in a circle and saying ‘I am an addict’ followed by self-introduction. Is it really work to settle a matter by giving themselves psychological suggestion that they still have problems? Or they just gather to find I am not the worst one. In EP 4, Lisa Kudrow hits the nail on the head. Everyone feel better or you feel better when people address the elephant in the room? Every time when Mae suffers a setback in relationship with George, she turns to Maggie and Lava. However, the temporary sense of belonging is self-deception.

Like her mother, Mae is a strong, impulsive, stubborn women. But she also has the vulnerable side.

‘But you told me you loved me first. That was the best moment of my life. I’m embarrassed. I let myself think that someone like you could be with someone like me. I’m not a boy. I’m not even a girl. I’m like a failed version of both. Why am I such a freak?’

She has so many feelings. What she wants is being accepted as what she is, being stick with a new healthy addiction. That is George.

In the last episode in season 1, Mae decides to return to George. The plot seems to quite rush. I wouldn’t say they are the perfect couple and I still doubt the relationship will last. But I would like to regard them as a pair of ‘learning buddy’ in this journey. George is the still and quiet habitat and Mae is the Pac-Man. Story is over. Life needs to go on. They both have too much to learn, not only for love but for lives.

Alien they seem to be. No mortal eye could see. The intimate welding of their history. by Thomas Hardy

Other things I want to address

Besides main characters, each supporting role is so lovely: Phil, Binky, Mae’s father, the bartender, and the bellboy in horror hotel. I love the script! I am especially impressed by Mae’s father. He has the wisdom of affairs handling and can read people’s mind accurately.

"You are still and strong, you wear your heart on your sleeves, you are fiercely passionate."

‘Your young lady must be needing you now. She’s off on her own, adrift in uncharted seas.’

He is absolutely one of the best father roles I’ve ever seen.

Now I can say I am ready to graduate from Feel Good after finishing this review. Thank you, Lisa, you remind me of the scotch egg I’ve had in Yorkshire. I am glad you enjoy it too. I will probably visit Blackpool to see the beautiful sunset one day. See you guys in season 2!

by Lssiedusky

2020.3.31